Agony Aunt and Relationships

It seems my boyfriend is becoming an agony aunt. On two occasions in the last week Lee has handled phone calls from two different british friends of ours, both of whom have a relationship with Asian partners.

In one case, there has been a great deal of volatility in the relationship, at least based on what each of the partners has told us independently, during the time we have known them (three years or so). In the other case, the relationship is still in its early stages and the Asian partner is no longer in the UK. That brings its own challenges.

So without wishing to discuss the individual cases any further than that, it does make me wonder at a general level what makes a good relationship work? In looking at this it would be easy to view my own relationship with Lee as the perfect example. After all, we've been together for over eleven years, with no major disputes or disagreements. Nevertheless, our relationship has survived the scrutiny of the immigration rules (whilst Lee was here on student visa), my separation from my wife and leaving the family home. It has endured balancing my responsibilities to my children and ex-wife whilst developing a new lifestyle with Lee. We had to suffer house moves, unemployment and work related stress. Consider also the lifestyle choices Lee and I have made and the nature of our relationship - which exposes it to threats, jealousies and temptations much more voluntarily than most - and one could consider it an indestructible relationship, close to perfect.

It isn't, of course. I'd need convincing such a perfect, indestructible relationship exists. I'm interested to know what the magic ingredients are - in our relationship we have tolerance and balance to account for each others feelings and viewpoints. It helps that Lee and I share the same political views. We have a lot in common, but we come from entirely different cultures and religious backgrounds. By the way, in case you are wondering, I see no need to mention the 'love' word - its a given in any serious relationship.

We do have disagreements, we do sulk and seek attention from each other and we do wonder why one of us has behaved in a certain way from time to time. But that is the variety of life and we have to accept and understand these out-of-character moments. If we start to question these minor things too heavily, we run the risk of escalating something small and meaningless into a relationship-threatening event.

The key point to remember is that all relationships are different and what works for one may not work for another. Some relationships are driven by conflict and argument. My own parents were constantly bickering at each other - but they loved each other and would not have wanted to be with anyone else. Other relationships survive with lies and deceit at their core - rarely surviving and usually self-destructing, I have witnessed such a relationship for years and the people concerned are still together but spend their married lives avoiding each other.

That is what makes the 'Agony Aunt' job so difficult. Like Lee, I'm more than happy to offer sympathy and support to friends going through a relationship crisis, but that support stops at getting involved or taking sides. I'll keep my own thoughts to myself, because no-one knows what is happening within a relationship = the fine detail When my brother and his wife were going through marital difficulties a few years ago, I thought my brother's behaviour was unreasonable and my sister-in-law should not put up with it. But I never told either of them that. I didn't want their relationship to end because I love them both and I've shared some very happy times with both of them and their family, but I couldn't know what was really going on, every day, in their relationship. I was happy to listen to both sides of the story but I never told either one of them that the other was behaving badly or unreasonable - even if I thought it. When I heard the stories, my views changed depending on who I was talking to. It made me realise that only they could come to the decision that was right for them, and that I would be there to build new relationships with both of them if they decided to part (which they did).

Lee is also very careful how he deals with the agony stories he hears. He also gets to hear both sides and it is refreshing to hear him giving our friends support - listening is underated.

I do sometimes wonder, however, what people are looking for in a relationship. I think it is important not to focus on the "relationship" word. It is much more important to enjoy each other's company, take one step at a time and not have hang-ups about being a "boyfriend" or "girlfiend", "fiance", "husband", "wife", even "partner". I dont see how those labels matter as long as the relationship is developing.

There is no "one size fits all" relationship. They are all different and work - or not - for different reasons. We shouldn't compare ourselves or our relationships with those of others or try to aim for something someone else has got.

Lee and I have gotten to where we are - which is a super place - by giving our relationship the freedom to evolve. And every day it evolves more.....